starting out the month with some putzing around! tony and i really only had the first day of the month off together… unfortunately. but we had a good day meandering around! ran into our friend zach who was chasing down old lady’s with a sword (no, really) advertising free hair cuts/blowouts to new customers. (zach, ily, please don’t give anyone a heart attack!!)
i interviewed at a permanent jewelry place as well! don’t want to get my hopes up too bad, but i’d get to install permanent jewelry onto people and learn to weld jewelry. (small scale welding, but how funny would it be to piss off blue collar men and call myself a professional welder if i got the job?) funny enough, jewelry shop pays more than i make as a rbt now….
i’ve also set up an interview at a new hair salon to be their front desk receptionist. interviews for the 7th. it’s part time, and minimal pay. nothing i’d be able to fully rely on but something to fill in the gaps since i’m still only part time at my other job now. honestly i don’t see myself working in behavioral health much longer. the pays not fantastic and the work life balance is non existent. work comes home with me far too often.
i got another drawing made by the clients though. biblically accurate drawing of my warehouse days:
clients played the game “telestrations” with a different staff member while i was off work and picked me driving a forklift as the prompt. toilet because i used to work for a plumbing wholesaler.
as of right now, we're pet sitting for a friend! hello iris!! she's sad her moms gone for a couple of days, and scared of my cat millie because she got hissed at, but she'll be okay.
9/5 - i did some client transports today. while driving a client to an eye appointment i spotted a large cluster of chicken of the woods! on my way back home i stopped and grabbed it. (stopped in the middle of the road and ran outta my car into a ditch while it rained.) i thought i’d be able to cook it before i had to leave for my later shift, but ended up cooking it for an hour and going fuck it. now it’s in the crockpot for when both tony and i get home tonight.
i did get some disappointing news. i didn’t get the job at the jewelry place. they texted me while i was waiting for the clients appointment to finish up. i think getting that news along side really coming to terms with not getting the apprenticeship at the hair salon i wanted both just hit at once. i wanted to cry, but the client finished up her appointment and i had to shove it down. i feel frustrated, but i have an interview for a front desk position at a different salon. part of me wonders if the previous salon i was at tarnishes some credibility i may have. i don’t want to dwell too hard, but i guess i’ll just keep applying next go around.
9/6 - i was supposed to take a client to church, but that was canceled. found out after i drove there to pick them up. womp. clocked in for a whole 5 minutes. i did go to lidil and pick up some odds and ends to make breakfast for tony and i, which i don’t think i would’ve done if i wasn’t already out and about.
tony left for work around 2, so i decided to get out of the house and go thrifting. honestly solid day at the thrift. found some really cool pieces alongside a luxury dress. there is definitely a thrill/satisfaction to finding something that would normally retail for 1000 dollars. plus it’s a really nifty piece. it’s slightly big on me, but not enough where i couldn’t get away with a belt. part of me wants to get it tailored, but i could potentially sell the dress as well. unsure on the move yet.
i also found the most gorgeous duncan phyfe sofa for 125. it was chartreuse and she was stunning. actually screaming and crying at the thrift because absolutely my dream couch. the kicker was it was absolutely busted. i think the work put into restoring it would firstly be way out of my scope, and too expensive to source out elsewhere. so, unfortunately i had to pass. i’m devastated.
before thrift blindness could set in further i did end up meeting with morgan! we went to hot pot and caught up. i will say i think all of my friends are going absolutely through it with their jobs/careers. (somethings in the air and it’s definitely late stage capitalism.)
after hot pot we went to the movies! we got to see the new horror movie “buddy” about the killer unicorn children’s show host. barney adjacent. it was a lot of fun, goofy ass movie.
9/7 - i interviewed at another hair salon. i almost feel like talking about it will jinx things/get my hopes too high. i want to remain hopeful, but i don’t wanna get too excited for possibilities that haven’t happened yet. the interview left me feeling really good about the space. it definitely helps i was recommended for the position as well. more on all that later…. (hopefully)
after interviewing tony and i went to bottoms up for pizza. i think the last time i ate there i was a literal child. they actually have a vegan menu now! was my cheese melted? no not really, but beer will make even the most mid pizza infinitely better. plus, the new apartment will be walking distance from bottoms up, they’ll be seeing us around. even when the pizza is mid.
9/12 - i was really on a streak for a couple of days about checking in fairly regularly. not that there weren't cool things to give little updates on, i just didn't have too much downtime to write much.
i've sent out more resumes and applications… i think things felt the closest to a sense of calm was working in a salon space.
actually not a whole lot of crazy updates at the moment reading back on things….
it's dawning on me that i will move in about two weeks… plenty of time to just move things back and forth before work.
i will say, having all my decorations down is quite depressing to look at. my chotzkies and doodads, all shoved into boxes. and lest i forget about the trinkets, also crammed into storage.
it's just glum coming back to a place without personality. that and damn it, i like things.
what can i say? i hate minimalism.
ideas for apartment warming party: 1. bring a thrifted chotski and a bottle of wine (our place comes with a wine rack) 2. potluck + dinner party 3. help us move our shit in and we'll supply a 24 pack of pbr and marcos pizza
9/13 - my morning is being spent transporting a client to the hospital. migraines. she's been dealing with them for weeks now. getting paid to sit with someone at an er isn’t the worst gig i could take on. part of me wonders if i could manage prn just doing transports if i take on a different job. i read for a bit, scrolled my phone for some time. been thinking about soup all morning. butternut squash soup.
one two skip a few my tire exploded on my way back home!
i was on my way back home from transporting the client this morning. i'd say about 10 minutes from home, looking forward to resting for a couple of hours till i go to work again. i felt a little rumble. maybe the wheel well was coming down again? i could pull over at the next turn and push it back up again, annoying but not the end of the world. my whole car begins to violently shake. okay, so i need to pull over immediately. i hardly pull off to the side of the road, i'm awkwardly to the side of things, still kinda in the middle of the road. enough out of the way for people to drive by.
looking at the side where the wheel well has been coming down loose... everything looks fine. low and behold the other side of the car my tire is completely flat and has about 6 gaping holes in it! fuck me! called tony immediately, almost already in tears. tony comes down and gets the flat off, poor guy, technically speaking it's his car i've been driving for work. the car jack is hardly doing its job and it's 1 million degrees outside. tony's on about week 3 of having a migraine. (the theme for today is migraines!)
there's a looming anxiousness between the both of us and it's not even fully about the car. how the fuck is he going to get to work on time (he's not) and how the fuck am i getting to work. fuck, when i had to take him to the er a couple of weeks back it was fighting tooth and nail to get either of us coverage. (i didn't even get coverage, i had to drop him off at the er and wait for my mom to get there to wait with him while i went back to work) there's hardly even coverage for medical/family emergencies, who gives a shit about an exploding tire?
initially there was no one that could stay later for him today, but i think the realization of "i don't know what to tell you {boss}, i'm on the side of the road waiting for triple a" made things happen. my mother ended up driving me to work. yes, the car situation was stressful and i'm pissed that i have to get a new tire tomorrow between doctors appointments and therapy. (also it's my one day off after working 7 in a row!) more so i'm just frustrated that someone has to be in critical care to be able to get a day off.
i joked with tony that at least it was nice we could spend some of the day together, but it's true. i'm pissed that work makes me feel like an exploding tire is a date with my partner. (i would also like to take a second to air out my grievances with triple a: fuck y'all for hanging up on me a total of 4 times. i was mid sentence the last time. y'all are just rude for that.)
9/14 - todays been pretty chill thankfully. i'm off work after working 7 days in a row! hooray!!! i finally got in with a primary care doctor… unlimited visits and labs for just $100 a month vs $500 a paycheck lmfao.
afterwards tony and i got breakfast and coffee… sweet potato pie latte with a "veggie" sausage bagel. no shade to pumpkin spice, but sweet potato is a better fall flavor imo.
afterwards i called a tire place to see if they had a used tire… (if you don't know the tire size is listed on the inside of the drivers side door! the more you know!)
anyway while i was looking for that, a stray cat ran inside of my car while i was on the phone with the mechanic… the cat was friendly though! got to get some good pets in.
i've been naming the friendly neighborhood cats, this one i am calling pastrami. other friendly cats in the neighborhood include "handsome squidward" and "she's grater" formerly known as "cheese grater". (i had thought she was a "he's grater").
i got the tire replaced despite a cat in my car, and isn't it really just about the friends we made along the way?
9/14 (continued stream of thoughts of the evening) - i got my laptop back out from the tower of already packed boxes. its slow and has absolutely no urgency when it comes to loading anything in a timely manner. i have realized that i can get my thoughts out so much faster typing on a keyboard rather than a phone. go figure writing pen and paper never stuck around either. also no wonder i've taken keen to the taking clinical notes as work. (no wonder i wrote so much my chem fanfiction in middle school) i think i just enjoy typing.
there's just something pleasant about sitting in bed at the end of the day and actually being able to get the thoughts out (almost) as fast as im able to form them. i don't really know if i want to use a very public webpage to catalog every thought i get stuck on, especially because in my head i made this because i know i struggle to stay in touch with loved ones and friends. it's nice to go "here's all the things going on! here's everything i'm doing!", but also i guess there isn't really shame in letting those people know when things aren't going super well.
let me backtrack and say things are in line to get better. i'm putting in the work, i'm seeing therapists and doctors and yada yada yada. i dunno the past couple of months have been rough. quitting a steady job with no idea what i was going to do next was really hard. i took a job out of desperation because a mentor reached out to me when i had no idea what the hell i was doing.
i spent a good part of my teens in treatment for an eating disorder. my relationship with food has fluctuated since. i think it's fair to say i still struggle with an eating disorder. i also have a better understanding of why i fall back on it as a way to cope. i have a partner who knows when to hold me accountable. friends who i can lean on and talk to candidly. (i mentioned a therapist too, right?) all that to say i don't think i've given myself the grace to admit to those who saw me at my worst, yeah, i still live with this.
all that to say, i was reached out by someone whom i was once a client under while i was in eating disorder treatment. actually, it was a little bit funny in how that came to be. i had probably just started seeing tony. i think we had gone to an "emo night" at godfreys. i remember seeing someone there that i knew that i had seen. unable to place where, i am certain i made myself look like a creep staring half the night.
i wont lie i was quiet a few drinks in so my total memory is hazed, but i think at some point tony saw them there and made mention. i remember him saying that he works in some sort of "social work adjacent". and that they were a friend adjacent. been around the same crowd, some overlap in scene.
"what is his name, i think i know him."
i knew him, he was there when i was in treatment. tony came with me as i approached him, "it's reese. i used to be a client at {eating disorder facility}." i remember exactly what he said, "i never stopped thinking about you."
we exchanged numbers, i went back to tony's place. couldn't sleep. cried a lot in his bathroom as to try to not wake him. sent out a drunken text to "social work adjacent" telling him how much his presence alone meant to me at that point in time. sobbed in a mans bathroom that i had just started seeing as he had no idea that i was even awake. i think i also texted my mother. i hadn't thought about the place i had been, how ugly things were until that night. i moved on, i healed. i eat food and don't even track calories. i was past having an eating disorder.
months later i quit my warehouse job. i had destroyed my back a year prior and was in denial i could make it work, despite calling out every other week because i physically was unable to get up without searing pain. despite having steady income, a 401k, health insurance, and a "clear career track", i couldn't keep up.
worked a seasonal job for a second, but had no real plan when that let up. doordash was okay for a week or so until my account got banned. (guess you can't doordash with a reckless on record) i was drafting up a message to my old boss at the warehouse when i saw a message from an old friend.
"hey friend, the facility i work at now is hiring, and i think you'd be a perfect fit."
i knew that the job would bring things up for me. i also knew i had no other plan, no other options. even though i knew this job would mean i had to face and deal with things i would rather brush aside, i still felt excitement. i felt like there was a reason i had to face all this now, that it was not accidental i was where i was.
i wouldn't say i 100% hate my job now. the fulfilling parts of the job do go very far. when clients tell me i've made a difference in their lives, i do feel a sense of reason. i also know i am dowsing myself in gasoline. every difficult milieu adds more fuel.
my husband needed a job, his background got him in with our facility. i go to work. treat eating disorders. hard day, this milieu has been really tough. i console clients who vent openly and freely, this is a safe space to talk about your eating disorder without judgement. this safe space for you all, i am a professional. push back my own thoughts, this isn't my space.
i go home, we talk work. we talk eating disorders. we talk behaviors. so many "crash outs" this week, lots of big feelings. this group is really just sick, yknow?
i go to work. eat, console, build rapport. mitigate a meltdown over pasta. client is crying because they cannot see a future outside of their eating disorders, and eating is just uncomfortable. what difference does it make if they just don't want the fucking pasta? is it worth the pain and discomfort both physically and mentally? i promise them there comes a point when the screaming becomes a soft hum. things will change. trust the process.
i go home, talk work, talk about eating disorders, go to bed. wake up go to work, treat eating disorders, build rapport, go home, talk about eating disorders, go to bed, go to work, treat eating disorders, log my notes, go home, talk about work, talk about eating disorders, talk about eating disorders, talk about eating disorders, talk about eating disorders, talk about eating disorders. go to bed.
i don't think things are a soft hum.
9/15 - woke up late today, i don't remember my alarm going off, just tony waking me. hauled ass, but was going to be on time. about to turn down the driveway to pick up the client, i get a buzz on my phone. a hair salon i applied to wants to try to find a position for me! the interview had been really promising.
i went in interviewing for front desk, but we talked more about my journey and what i wanted to do. i was honest. "if i could start an apprenticeship of my own tomorrow, i'd drop everything and do it." to be in a space that allows me to be a creative and learn, and get paid to create, is everything to me. not to mention the overlap in creative fields and queer people. i want a gay ass job damn it.
surprise i didn't get hired for front desk, but they still want me on the team. assistant, event coordinator, or apprentice? unsure yet, but hell i'll do it all if i can.
tried to pay the first months rent for the new place today, was able to get my rent cafe account set up through them with my pre existing account. logged in, switched the profile to the new complex and made the payment. great cool done. i get an email from my current place confirming a payment that isn't for them. fuck me.
not only is the rent not for them, it's more than i would be expected to pay to them in the first place. payment is still pending and the email confirmation says i can revoke/edit the payment by talking to my leasing manager. i go down, explain the server error, and they say there's not much they can do. interesting.
we go to the bank, try to stop the transaction. nope. online transactions take 2–3 business days. we go back at 2pm. "she's still in a meeting." we go back at 3. still in a meeting. 4. still in a meeting. this apartment has already been shady enough as it is.
anyway i sent a long winded email to our current place to start a paper trail of them potentially trying to take our money and dip.
on a better note i do have an interview at a perfumery tomorrow! their whole set up is a tea room/perfumery in the front, and in the back they also offer esthetic services/host events/classes. fingers and toes crossed.
9/16 - interview was stunning. talking about fragrance as an art form rather than just a beauty product is so fascinating to me. not only would i be selling perfume, but i would also learn to make fragrances from extracting oils and combining them to tailor specific scents.
imagine being able to capture the scent of any specific place or moment and recreate it. stunning, gorgeous, beautiful. we also talked astrology. i got to sample fragrances and take home free samples and tea.